13 ASSASSINS

Yes, well done it has the word ASS in the title...twice!

Rumour has it that if Takashi Miike’s production output falls below 4 feature length films a year the world will end and the gates of hell will open up, unleashing a deluge of demons so great that not even Jean Claude Van Damme will be able to stop them. This may have something to do with why in the last 20 years he has directed more than 80 films. And he doesn’t make just terrible film after terrible film either, he has been responsible for some of the classics of Japanese cinema, notably Ichi The Killer and Audition, which became cult classics in the western hemisphere. 13 Assassins definitely doesn’t show that the movie-making machine is slowing up either, remaining as intense and intelligent as the large part of his back catalogue.

The film follows the story of a Samurai, hired to kill an evil overlord looking to spread chaos and bring Japan back to an age of war. This of course is no easy task, and so he must recruit a band of loyal warriors prepared to give their lives in honourable combat to assassinate this crazy bad man.

If only it was real life...and the evil bad man was Jordan. Life would be good then.

So it’s very much a film that “does what it says on the tin.” At just over 2 hours long it is clearly split into 2 halves, the build up and the combat. And when I say halves, I literally mean it - the combat scene is the entire second half of the film. Now some would say that a whole hour of nothing but combat would begin to loose the intensity after a while, but it really doesn’t let up, it just keeps getting better and better.

Very much like an orgasm then...except with more violence. Well...depends on what kind of orgasm...

So where does the intelligence come in? Well apart from feeling very reminiscent of Akira Kurosawa’s masterpiece, Seven Samurai, it actually turns the genre on its head by playing out very much like many Hollywood films. A build up to a great stand off battle at the end, followed swiftly by a one on one show down between each gang’s leaders. It certainly feels like a film influenced by Hollywood and this could have been a let down, there are certainly some clichéd moments in it. But Miike has managed to keep enough Eastern energy in it for it to set itself apart from the usual generic crap. It is this delicate balance that keeps this film on your toes throughout where you think you know what will happen, but it never quite plays out that way.

Not only that, but there is an absolutely insane screwball character thrown into the mix. A wandering man who had been thrown out of his gang, looking to join in the fight for what appears to be a bit of a laugh and eventually leads to an incredible “wait….what the fuck?” kind of moment towards the films conclusion. He isn’t a samurai, but he’s quite keen to mock them and show them up whenever he can (he takes the phrase “bringing a knife to a gun fight” back to the Feudal Japanese era, using a sling and rocks against an army of swords and bows), even uttering the line “you samurai, you’re quite boring aren’t you?”.

 I don't think he'll be on the Christmas card list then?

So the film, being a bit of a mash up between East and West, manages to turn a rather generic and average samurai story into a film that is epic from start to finish. You can feel the burning sensation throughout the whole of the build up, which culminates in the explosive ambush (literally) and the intense, relentless battle that pushes your senses to a new place, with just enough comic humour to ease up the tension so you don’t feel like your bowels are about to explode after being squeezed too tight by muscular tension.

Let’s hope the next 80 films continue to be as fresh and original as their predecessors. And for God’s sake someone try to find a way to make someone live forever, because if Takashi Miike dies, the natural order of the world will fuck up in a way that makes 2012 look like your little sister’s tea party.

Or something as adorable as this.

THE EXTRAORDINARY ADVENTURES OF ADÉLE BLANC-SEC

Indianna Jones' really hot French grandma comes to town...

The problem with this age of information we live in is that before you actually go and see a film, you know more about it than the actual filmmakers (but then again, most big budget films have been assembled by a team of mentally challenged monkeys in a terrible bid to save money so the studios can computer enhance the size of Kiera Knightly’s tits). You’ve seen about 30 trailers, read interviews, seen the stars appear on chat shows, read reviews etc. etc. and the general publicity drive is something akin to the way Britney Spears is still trying to convince the world she’s a pop star.

"And after I release my new record, my new range of tampons will be hitting shelves!"

This is why I was glad to see this film without knowing a single thing about it, apart from the fact it was directed by Luc Besson - a man who gave us such fine action films as Léon and Nikita, as well as the hilariously terrible but completely unmissable The Fifth Element. So I figured I didn’t have much to lose as even if it was terrible, it was bound to get a good laugh along the way.

What I got was actually something completely unexpected. With a story that’s quite possibly the most batshit insane story for an adventure film, it makes Indianna Jones look like he was just raiding through that wardrobe in your parent’s bedroom you aren’t allowed to go near at Christmas time. It’s 1912 in France, and a renowned telepathic scientist has found a way to bring to life and control ancient beings, hatching a 130 million year old pterodactyl egg and flying it around the city. Adéle seeks the help of this scientist to bring to life an Egyptian pharaoh’s physician in order to revive her sister, who due to a freak accident has been turned into a breathing vegetable.

So this film seems like a bit of a mash up between Indianna Jones, The Mummy, but of course, this is French cinema, not some cheap Hollywood knock off piece of monkey faeces. It actually has a great sense of humour and will get you laughing at the sheer absurdity of the way it plays out whilst howling through the excitement of a great action film. Of course, being a French production there is nowhere near the sort of budget the Yanks get, but the average CGI only serves to add to the charm of the picture.

No Wolverine, bad CGI isn't THAT bad unless it's meant to distract you from a terrible story...

Charm: this film has it in buckets. It’s as though Luc Besson is sitting next to you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear to distract you from the fact that he’s about to slip a giant dose of LSD into your drink because the film certainly felt like one massive trip, constantly pulling some sort of ‘what the fuck?’ face whilst giggling like a psychotic child at the bizarre capers of bungling cops and the dark one liners Adéle constantly blasts whoever happens to be near her.

So what this film actually is, is FUN! Which seems to be a bit of a rarity nowadays. Not fun in the sense that you go and enjoy a film, but fun in the same way that your 8^th birthday was, except there isn’t any cake involved.

I'm sorry, but you literally cannot mention cake on the internet now without this cropping up...

And this is what seems to be missing from the cinematic landscape as of late. We are in one of the worst economic situations in a long time, and all of the latest releases seem to be deadly serious and grounded in reality. Even the comedies are saccharine sweet with the big emotional kick. Very few films actually just take the plunge and go for an all out adventure that can just really lighten your mood. Besson has really done a fantastic job with this, making an unpredictable, charming, and all round bizarre film in what is set to be a series (the set up for the next potential film is fantastic). I really hope they make another one because it’s indispensable adventures like these that truly showcase the power of cinema in it’s ability to make you temporarily feel like you’re 8 years old again, which to be honest, us depressed and stressed out adults need every now and again.

This kid may be angry, but he really isn't giving a shit about it...